From a journal entry dated July 30, 2017:
At the moment, I feel insecure.
All day I have not felt important… that I am not a good leader… that I’m not cool enough… that I’m not an extrovert, “out there” or flashy.
I’m just Jeremy… simple and quiet.
I guess I’m just feeling insecure in who I am at the moment. I could say things like: I am important, I am a good leader, I am somewhat cool, and I am extrovert enough. But this seems to me to just be justifying my feelings with self-talk… at least positive self-talk and drowning out the negative self-talk.
However, I wonder if there isn’t something more sinister going on: the desire to be important, recognized as a good leader, cool and “out there.” Why do I want that? Well, I want to prop myself up for the good of God’s kingdom! After all, those are pure motives, yes? Maybe… maybe not.
I want to be those things because then it means Jeremy Mavis matters… because if Jeremy Mavis doesn’t matter or have anything significant to offer, then what’s the point? Hmm…
I want to matter.
But what if I don’t matter? What if all that matters in my life is that Jesus matters? What if all my life is a witness to God working in and through my life when and how he wants? No matter how I feel about anything at any given moment.
Is this what Jesus meant when he said: “Repent and believe the good news?” Is this what the Scripture means when it talks about surrender, losing your life, to live is Christ and to die is gain? Hmm…
So as I feel unneeded, unnecessary, second fiddle to others, not important (in the present moment), I need to heed the idol of “mattering” more than Jesus. I want my life to highlight God’s work not my own.
Lord, I pray that I decrease and that you increase. Be the center of my life as the driving force for you shining in my life both in transforming my character to look like you and in letting go of the “important” idols in my life so I’m not in the center. Expose my idols, God.
I know this is going to be painful because I so desperately want to matter and be an important agent in your kingdom, but I need to realize the only mattering that matters is me surrendering and you shining.